stupidity at its best

As I look back at my life, I realize I have always had a propensity to put myself into situations that were both disastrous…and yet somehow comical. I suppose my outlook on life’s foibles let me see the comedy of errors and laugh at both myself, and the newest tangle I have got myself into.

While in my early twenties I had a roommate from the UK. We both attended the same university and shared the same outlook on life; namely the idea of having fun while you can, while still maintaining some semblance of responsibility. Vickie was dating a nice guy who owned a fantastic 26-foot cabin cruiser and invited us out for a day trip across the border to Alexandria Bay from Kingston. Of course, his friend came along to make it a couple’s trip. Nowadays we know how stupid it is to drive a boat and drink, but back in the early nineties we were just stupid. This friend Ken asked to drive the boat, even though he had no license and was several sheets to the wind. Well, why not. He was doing fine until the distinctive “ding” and loud scrap along the port side of the boat indicated that perhaps Captain Ken should be walked off the gangplank. A large gash down the port side was luckily above the waterline, but to avoid any further damage to the boat from the buoys, the boat owner Pat would take over. We continued, and as dusk fell, we came to the border between Canada and the States. It was at this point that my room mate Vickie reminded us that she was a UK citizen only in Canada for school, and that crossing the border would make her an illegal alien and transporting her across the border would make us traffickers and could have her deported back to England. That should have been the deterrent to turn around, but nope, where is the adventure in that!! We quickly hid Vickie under the seats and sailed through customs into the States.

It was now full dark. Our boat owner Pat seemed to know his way and the rest of us left him to the navigation while we socialized and had more drinks than we should. It was a sudden jolt and then the shock of being in the cold water that had me guessing that maybe something had gone wrong. Our captain had taken a turn too fast and grounded us on a mud flat in the middle of a large lake. It is at this point that things began to take a surreal experience. The boat is grounded, so our two fearless heroes…get naked and put on life vests for the swim to shore. Wait, what? Yep, the two guys decide their best plan is to swim naked to the lights on the shore and get help. Vickie and I decide that this is where we go to sleep and wait until morning to see what happens.

We were woken by the sound of a boat engine in the dark of the night. It turns out our naked heroes did make it to shore and knocked on the door of a nice young couple who where on a special weekend, and had just been engaged. I am sure it was a shock to see two drunk Canadians at their door, wearing only life vests, though this makes for a great story. The couple attempted to pull us off the mud flat, but our boat was too big. It was now time to contact the American coast guard to give us a hand. Within the hour the coast guard was there, and we were back on our way to Canada.

Vickie and I woke in the morning to the gentle motion of the waves. Curiously, the engines of the boat were not activated. We headed up to the bow during the sunrise to find the guys, only to see something I will never be able to unsee. There, on the ships bow, as the sun rose behind us, were two naked men with oars attempting to row a large cabin cruiser back to Canada. It seems we had run out of gas, but not out of rum. Eventually a nice man towed us back to Kingston and a marina to get gas. This should be the end of this adventure, but nope, there is more.

Several weeks after our adventure, the owner of the boat, Pat informed us that his dad was the actual owner of the boat and that his dad was none too impressed with the damage done by the buoy. His dad was even less impressed when the American coast guard contacted him about a large payment due for hauling his boat. It turns out that the credit card we used to have the American coast guard pull us out was not sufficient for the payment once it was converted to American dollars. His dad was even less impressed as he was a police officer with the Kingston police force. Ah, the adventures of youth, though to be honest, except for the drinking, this is still a situation I can see me being in.