fear and rock climbing

I have always been a very active person, but never as much as I was in my early twenties. While attending Queen’s university I regularly rollerbladed, kayaked, cycled and rock climbed. Rock climbing was a great passion for my friends and I, and every weekend we would throw on packs weighing 50 lbs or more and cycle out to the locks to climb for the day. Rock climbing would not come naturally for me, as I am absolutely terrified of heights. A little step stool would have me swooning, while a full-on cliff would cause intense vertigo and a full-on panic attack. So why rock climb? Well, I have mentioned my personality before. Bring it on.

Our favorite climb was at the Kingston Locks. This was not a high climb, but a technical one involving an overhang. I spent the entire summer trying to master this beast, but just could not get over the overhang and past the lip and onto the vertical rock face. It was near the end of summer that I finally managed to crawl upside down along the overhang and reach up to the hand hold that would take me up the cliff face. Only two hand holds up I fell. My arm was caught between the rope and the cliff face, and as I fell, my elbow smashed into the lip of the overhang. Now, this is where I should have given up, as my elbow was a bloody mess and we were not sure if I had a fracture. Nope, this just angered me as I was so frigging close. I convinced my climbing partners to patch me up and let me have another go at the cliff. This is what I needed, adrenalin, and I did it. I finally conquered that climb and hit the carabiner at the top of the cliff to proclaim completion of the climb. I still have a lovely scar from that day that I consider a badge of honor.

However, not every climb ends in accomplishment. My terror of heights is very real and uncontrollable. One summer we decided to conquer the larger cliffs in the area, often 100-150 ft high. A young man had just lost his life on these cliffs as he zippered. Zippering occurs when the placements in the rock give out, one by one, and the climber falls to their death. We decided to do a top rope placement instead. This means that we hiked to the top of the cliff and secured our ropes to rocks above the cliff. Well, my climbing partners had decided that it was time I secured the lead ropes, and sent me out and over the cliff on a small rock protrusion to set up the ropes. A very bad idea. I panicked, and gripped onto that rock and would not move. All I could see was that precipitous drop to the land way, way below. Finally my male friends had to literally peel me from the rock and haul me back onto the table land.

I almost conquered this cliff. After my friends set up the top rope we moved to the cliff base for a day of climbing. The cliff was almost smooth and hand holds were difficult to find, often being micro holds which use the tips of your fingers to hold onto the cliff face. The areas to place my feet where so small that I had to use smearing techniques, which just means that you are hoping your feet will hold you in place. Three quarters of the way up the cliff I started to Elvis. My legs began to shake uncontrollably from the strain of hours of climbing and using my toes to hold myself up. I had to concede defeat and belayed down the cliff. Maybe for others this would be a failure, but for me I had attempted something so far outside of my comfort zone that I still consider this a huge win. We don’t need to conquer our fears, only face them.